ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
when all the world around me glows with e-
verlasting light, it seems as though i too
must surely shine. but i, you see, am le-
d 'long by forces far beyond the things
that i had e'er expected to be true.
and this unwilling servitude 'lso brings
with it a kind of jaded, sentime-
ntal longing for the light of which i speak.
the darkness overwhelms me with a weak-
ness far removed from any i have e-
ver felt before. i only want to sing
aloud, my voice alive with ardent hue.
that symphony of 'self' within my veins
is ragged, ruined; wrought with ugly stains.
verlasting light, it seems as though i too
must surely shine. but i, you see, am le-
d 'long by forces far beyond the things
that i had e'er expected to be true.
and this unwilling servitude 'lso brings
with it a kind of jaded, sentime-
ntal longing for the light of which i speak.
the darkness overwhelms me with a weak-
ness far removed from any i have e-
ver felt before. i only want to sing
aloud, my voice alive with ardent hue.
that symphony of 'self' within my veins
is ragged, ruined; wrought with ugly stains.
Suggested Collections
a freer-rhyme and spoken-word sonnet
that i composed this evening.
i don't know yet if i like it or not, and i'll probably
change the title frequently.
let me know what you think.
[[edit: wow, this was chosen for a collection. what a huge honour! thank you for reading my simple sonnet and actually enjoying it!]]
that i composed this evening.
i don't know yet if i like it or not, and i'll probably
change the title frequently.
let me know what you think.
[[edit: wow, this was chosen for a collection. what a huge honour! thank you for reading my simple sonnet and actually enjoying it!]]
© 2010 - 2024 GrimKarasu
Comments23
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
When you split the word "led", as in "I am le-d long" over the line break, you break it into "am le" and "-d long", and then you treat "le" and "-d" as separate syllables for the iambic pentameter. If you try reading this out, it's impossible. "Led" is one syllable. To make it into two, it has to become "Le-duh", which sounds so clunking when read out that it runs the flow of the rest of the line.
Likewise, "sentime-ntal". "men" is a single syllable. If you try splitting it there, you get "sentime" (which appears to be pronounced 'sen-tyme' or 'senteem') and "ntal", which can't be pronounced as one syllable in English (perhaps some African languages could manage it, but in English phonology, that's 'un-tal').
On the opposite end of the spectrum, "'lso". Try pronouncing that as one syllable. I'm going to tentatively agree with the above posters. As free verse, this might work, but this feels like it was crammed into a sonnet when it really needs room to breathe.
Likewise, "sentime-ntal". "men" is a single syllable. If you try splitting it there, you get "sentime" (which appears to be pronounced 'sen-tyme' or 'senteem') and "ntal", which can't be pronounced as one syllable in English (perhaps some African languages could manage it, but in English phonology, that's 'un-tal').
On the opposite end of the spectrum, "'lso". Try pronouncing that as one syllable. I'm going to tentatively agree with the above posters. As free verse, this might work, but this feels like it was crammed into a sonnet when it really needs room to breathe.